Diego J. Van Huizen 12.05.2008-13.05.2008
A father who knows his son's passing day
1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.
2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.
3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.
5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.
9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.
10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself
11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
13. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.
Trevor Van Huisen,
Diego's Father
Website: http://www.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=14375&page_no=1
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Un tata care stie ziua mortii fiului sau
1. As vrea ca, copilul meu sa nu fi murit. As vrea sa-l am inapoi.
2. As vrea sa nu iti fie teama sa pronunti numele copilului meu. Copilul meu a trait si a fost foarte important pentru mine. As vrea sa aud ca a fost important si pentru tine.
3. Daca plang si ma emotionez cand vorbesti despre copilul meu as vrea sa stii ca nu este pentru ca m-ai ranit. Moartea copilului meu este cauza lacrimilor mele. Ai vorbit despre copilul meu si mi-ai permis sa impart cu tine suferinta. Iti multumesc pentru ambele lucruri.
4. As vrea sa nu-mi "omori" din nou copilul dand la o parte fotografiile lui, operele de arta sau alte amintiri din casa ta. 5. Faptul ca nu mai esti parinte nu este contagios, asa ca as vrea sa nu te feresti de mine. Am nevoie de tine mai mult ca niciodata.
6. Am nevoie de varietate, asa ca vreau sa aud despre tine; dar vreau de asemenea ca si tu sa auzi despre mine. As putea sa fiu trist sau as putea sa plang, dar as vrea sa ma lasi sa vorbesc despre copilul meu, subiectul meu favorit.
7. Stiu ca te gandesti si te rogi pentru mine adesea. Stiu de asemenea ca moartea copilului meu ti-a produs si tie suferinta. As vrea sa imi spui aceste lucruri printr-un telefon, un simplu bilet sau o mare si reala imbratisare. 8. As vrea sa nu te astepti ca durerea sa-mi treaca in 6 luni. Aceste prime luni sunt traumatizante pentru mine, dar as vrea sa poti intelege ca durerea mea nu se va termina niciodata. Voi suferi din cauza mortii copilului meu pana in ziua in care voi muri si eu.
9. Ma straduiesc sa imi revin, dar as vrea sa intelegi ca nu o sa-mi revin niciodata complet. Imi va lipsi totdeauna copilul meu, si voi plange totdeauna moartea sa.
10. As vrea sa nu te astepti sa "nu ma mai gandesc la asta" sau sa "fiu fericit". Nici unul din aceste lucruri nu se va intampla foarte mult timp, asa ca nu fi nemultumit.
11. Nu vreau sa am o "petrecere de mila", dar as vrea sa ma lasi sa jelesc. Trebuie sa sufar inainte de a ma vindeca.
12. As vrea sa cred ca ai inteles cum a fost zdruncinata viata mea. Stiu ca este neplacut pentru tine sa fii in preajma mea cand ma simt nefericit. Te rog sa fii la fel de rabdator cu mine cum sunt si eu cu tine.
13. Cand spun ca "fac bine", as vrea sa intelegi ca nu ma "simt" bine si ca ma lupt in fiecare zi.
14. As vrea sa stii ca toate reactiile pe care le am la suferinta sunt foarte normale. Depresie, furie, deznadejde si tristete coplesitoare, toate sunt de asteptat. Asa ca scuza-ma cand sunt tacut si retras sau iritabil si morocanos.
15. Sfatul tau de "a lua pe rand fiecare zi" este excelent. Totusi, o zi este prea mult si prea repede pentru mine acum. As vrea sa intelegi ca ma descurc sa gestionez ora cu ora.
16.Te rog sa ma scuzi daca par nepoliticos, cu siguranta nu intentionez asta. Uneori lumea din jurul meu merge prea repede si am nevoie sa ma detasez. Cand ma detasez, as vrea sa ma lasi sa-mi gasesc un loc linistit unde sa-mi petrec timpul singur.
17. As vrea sa intelegi ca durerea ii schimba pe oameni. Cand a murit copilul meu, o mare parte din mine a murit odata cu el. Nu mai sunt persoana care eram inainte de moartea copilului meu, si nu voi mai fi niciodata acea persoana.
18. As vrea foarte mult ca tu sa poti intelege; sa-mi intelegi pierderea si suferinta, tacerea si lacrimile, golul si durerea. DAR ma rog in fiecare zi, sa nu intelegi niciodata, in adevaratul sens al cuvantului
Trevor Van Huisen,
Tatal lui Diego
Website: http://www.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=14375&page_no=1
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